Category Archives: Ha Ha Ha

It’s That Time Again Kids!

try-it-before-you-buy-it-flex-seal_9663632_ver1-0_640_360

::Ahem::
What’s up with these commercials touting FlexSeal as the Perfect Christmas Gift?
They even go so far as to show some Broad gleefully accepting a Festively Wrapped Can of the Liquid Rubber Spray like it was made of Gold.
“Hey this is GREAT! Now we won’t need to use those Pesky Condoms any more!
I’ll just spray this Shit up my Vagina and we’re Good to Go!”
And what better way to get your Annoying Right Wing Relatives to Shut the Fuck Up!
FlexSeal!
Say! It *is* an Awesome Gift!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

 

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::Ahem::
♫♪♪♫♫♪♪
I don’t want your Fluoride Toothpaste that can Clean my Teeth so Well,♪♫♪
I don’t want your Stupid X-Rays and your Drill can Go to Hell!♪♫♪
But you Think I should be Happy with your Silly Laughing Gas,
While I Ran around your Office,
And Made Myself an Ass.♪♫♪
Silver Teeth and Golden Fillings cannot Mend this Mouth of Mine
And I dare not Drown My Pain
In your Sweet Novocaine.♪♫♪
You can’t Heal my Mouth with Implants
Cause I Can’t afford That Kind,
Silver Teeth and Golden Fillings
Cannot Mend this Mouth of Mine! ♫♪♫
::Please Make A Note Of It::

::Ahem::
Asshole Party Frontrunner,
Billionaire “The Donald” AssHat Trump Lands at Mexican Border.
In Lower Left-Hand Corner, Government Hedgehog Attempts To Locate
The Bloated Megalomaniac’s Miniscule Genitalia Via Ultrasound As Bemused Local Officials Look On.
::Please Make A Note Of It::Asshole 2016

"By Weir... the Hides of March!"

March Fifteenth Two Thousand Fifteen

::Ahem::
Julius March the Tanner was on the Horns of a Dilemma.
He needed to deliver a load of Freshly Tanned Hides to the Local Leather Goods
Manufacturer.
All seemed well until the truck driver came in and told him that the tires on the truck were bald.
“Alas!” cried Mr March, “Then we cannot make delivery as I have no
money to buy new tires! I’d better call the customer and inform him!”
The customer, being a good friend of Mr. March, agreed to take a double
load of hides thus giving the Tanner the wherewithal to get new tires.
Furthermore, he suggested, the driver could drop the hides off,
collect the payment in cash and go straight to the Tire Fitter from
there.
Mr March, ecstatic at the news, sent the driver on his way with strict
instructions to report immediately to the Tire Fitter once he had
completed his delivery.
Unfortunately, Murphy’s law being what it is, the truck suffered a
blowout on the way to the delivery.
Swerving all over the road on its three remaining bald tires, the truck finally careened off into the
River and lost its load.
Fortunately a Low Dam had been built across the River at that point
and the Hides washed up against it.
The driver, dazed and almost incoherent called the customer on a payphone (there were no Cell Phones at the time) to inform him of the disaster.
A passer-by heard him breathlessly tell the leather goods manufacturer:
“By Weir… the Hides of March!”
Editor’s Note: [A weir/ˈwɪər/ is a barrier across a river designed to alter its flow characteristics. In most cases, weirs take the form of obstructions smaller than most conventional dams, pooling water behind them while also allowing it to flow steadily over their tops. Weirs are commonly used to alter the flow of rivers to prevent flooding, measure discharge, and help render rivers navigable.]
::Please Make A Note Of It::

"By Weir... the Hides of March!"
A weir in Warkworth, New Zealand
☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼

☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼

::Ahem::
¤ AccuWhatTheFuck¤ Update!!
The Bi-Polish Vortex Continues On Its Merry Way Through The Tri-State Region.
At the Moment we are Smack Dab in the Middle of a Seasonal Weather System that Meteorologists like to call “The Cryosphere”,
Meaning that it is Colder Than A Witch’s Tit and Prone to Spontaneously Producing Glaciers, Ice shelves, Icebergs, and Douchebags.

☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼
☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼

ANOTHER SEVEN INCHES of SNON on the Ground and I’m Skipping the Gym today because The Roads are a Sheet of Ice.
Face It Folks, Another Ice Age Is Upon Us!
(At least *My Body* evidently thinks so.)
Our Bodies believe that Any Day Now, we’ll have Another Ice Age and there won’t be Any More Food, so they Need to Store up Lots of Fat.
So while our Brains are in the 21st Century, forcing us to eat Salads,
Our Bodies are Back in Prehistoric Times, thinking:
“I made Six Ounces of Fat today! Bring on the Glaciers!”
If only we could explain to our Bodies that Times have Changed & they no longer need to make so much Fat.
Of course, I refuse to get on a Scale unless Forced to Do So at Gunpoint.
Why, you may ask?
Or not.
But I’ll tell you anyway.
I’m Allergic to Scales.
The Type that Guess your Weight.
They make me Break Out in Low Self-Esteem.
The last time I got on a Digital Scale was when they did the Mandatory “Wellness” Thing at Work in September.
Yes: My Biometric Screening!
Which of course meant Blood Tests, Blood Pressure, BMI Analysis, and the Utterly Horrific “Getting On The Scale For the First Time in a Year”.
Okay so I *did* tell the Screening Broad that I have at least Five Pounds of Product in My Hair and to take that into account…
Plus Gravity has gotten Stronger due to the Space Dust Thing…
But she made me get on the Digital Scale anyway.
First, the Scale said “Yo! Two of Y’all Are Gonna Have To Get Off!”
Then, when it finally registered,
It read “Volkswagen”.
Gravity Is Not My Friend.
So Evidently I’m the Perfect Weight for My Height, Bone Structure, BMI, and Age.
*If* I Were a 1964 Volkswagen Mini-Bus.
Really.
Bring On The Ice Age!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Me!
What The Hospital Scale Thinks I Am…

 

 

::Ahem::
Governor Chris “Krispy Kreme” Christie has Declared a State of Emergency in New Jersey:
Due to Winter Storm “Juno”‘s Imminent Blizzard Conditions, the Entenmann’s Trucks will be Unable to Deliver to the Governor’s Mansion as Scheduled.
Upon Discovering That the Driveway to His Favorite Dunkin’ Donuts is Plowed In and His Beloved Pizza Hut is Closed,
The Fat Bastard (oops I mean Governor) Announced:
“I encourage all New Jerseyans to use Every Caution as they travel today and to remain off the roads whenever possible so that our first responders and public safety officials can safely respond to these Emergency Situations, assuring that Stockpiles of Donuts and Pizza are Delivered to the Governor’s Mansion in a Timely Fashion. ”
He then added, “Get the HELL away from that Domino’s Car!!! That’s MINE!”
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Bend Over, Here It Comes!

French Toast Alert Giant White Suppository Update!!

¤ AccuWhatTheFuck¤
French Toast Alert Update!!
THIS Time A Giant White Suppository Will Be Traveling Up The Eastern Seabroad as The Bi-Polish Vortex Continues On Its Merry Way
Through The Tri-State Region.
So, BEND OVER, Here It Comes!
Before intensifying into a Major Winter Storm,
This Suppository will spread Disruptive Snow across the Llower Midwest and into the Mid-Atlantic through Sunday Evening.
Tonight:
Proceed at Speed Llimit Before Snow Starts to Nearest Supermarket to pick up Two Gallons of Milk, a Couple Dozen Eggs and Two Lloaves of Bread and Several Pounds of Butter Per Person in Household.
And Don’t Forget the Maple Syrup for Extra Traction!!
Be Sure to Make as Much French Toast as Possible,
Stockpiling Several Dozen Slices to Throw Under Your Tires for Traction for when the Town Plows Finally Come By Just as You’ve Shoveled Out Your Driveway and Plow You In!
Starting Around 6:00AM Monday, Large Chunks Of Snon and Ice Will Continuously Fall From The Sky Throughout Rush Hour and Into The Morning,
Mixed with Sleet, Rain, Frogs, Llocusts, Blood, and John Boehner’s Unwashed BVD’s–
Especially Monday Evening Throughout Monday Night.
The Greatest Amount of Snow, on the Order of 18-48 Inches,
Is Forecast Wherever You Are Going.
Upon Parking Outdoors,
Be Sure To Turn Your Windshield Wiper Blades Towards Heaven
To Avoid The Wrath Of The Higher Power of Your Choice.

::Please Make A Note Of It::

Bend Over, Here It Comes!
This Time It’s A Giant White Suppository!

::Warning::

::WARNING::
In the Event of a Boehner That Persists Longer Than Four Days,
Citizens Should Seek Immediate Professional Help.
If House Republicanism Is Not Treated Immediately,
Brain Tissue Damage and Permanent Loss of Inalienable Rights Will Result.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

: : Ahem : :
Upon Approaching a Single Occupancy Public Restroom and Discovering that the Door is Locked
(and the Person Inside says ” Occupied! “),
Please Safely Presume that It Is Indeed Occupied.
Do NOT Continue to Rattle the Door Handle and Pull on the Door.
Not only is this Rude and Stupid,
If you Continue To Do So
I will Open the Door and Shove Used Toilet Paper Down Your Throat.
::Please Make A Note Of It ::

Commercial Christmas Songs Cause Emotional Distress.

Commercial Christmas Songs Cause Emotional Distress.

::AHEM::
Commercial Christmas Songs Cause Emotional Distress.
Two Examples:
Frosty the Snowman befriends some kids, plays with them until they learn to love him, then melts (!)201802_10151282029814367_683441510_o
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, because of a Physical Deformity, is treated as an Outcast by his peers.
Does Santa look past Rudolph’s nose & respect him for the Sensitive Buck he is?
No.
Of course not!
Santa, the Fat Bastard that he is, has Rudolph guide his Bloated Carcass’s Overloaded Sleigh and the Eight other “Socially Acceptable Reindeer” through a Blizzard as if he were nothing more than a Giant Antlered Fog-Llight with Llegs & a Tail.
What kind of Message does THAT send to our Youth???
Way to go Santa.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Commercial Christmas Songs Cause Emotional Distress.
Commercial Christmas Songs Cause Emotional Distress.