Category Archives: Hot Fun In The SummerTime

[Photo Courtesy Of The New Yorker]

The Republican Cesspool Of Presidential Candidates Plus One Belly-Flopper

::Ahem::
This Festering Pile Of Shit Who Wants to Own Everything
Is Belly-Flopping Into the Republican Cesspool of Presidential Candidates.
I Maintain that Asshat Trump’s Only Redeeming Quality Is That he Is Indeed,
Like Most Festering Piles of Shit,
Biodegradable.
Except for that Roadkill on his Head.
Every Time the Pompous Megalomaniac Opens That Festering Sewage Trap to Speak,
He Makes himself Less Credible as a Candidate.
Though I must Predict that Between Asshat Trump and Forrest Gump (aka Jeb!),
and the Rest of the Republican Cesspool of Candidates,
The Collective Comedy Writers of the Universe Are Anticipating Electoral Comedy Field Days.
::Please Make A Note Of It::
[Photo Courtesy Of The New Yorker]

[Photo Courtesy Of The New Yorker]
Belly-Flopping Into the Republican Cesspool of Presidential Candidates
[Photo Courtesy Of The New Yorker]

 

Weezer Formula 5 Does Not Exist…Yet!

If my Weezer, my Boston Terrier, had his Own Commercial for a Product I *Should* Invent.
Because I *Have* No Life.
(If you steal my Idea, at least give me credit.)

::My Brain Hurts:: IceBucket Challenge 8/29/14

Here ya Go John Warren and Nancy Hill!!!
I’d like to see…
A Cure for Amyotrophic Llateral Sclerosis (ALS), often referred to as “Lou Gehrig’s Disease”!
This here Bathtub drains into my Garden so NO water will go to waste!
John Warren and Nancy Hill,
This One’s For You!
My Brain Hurts!
Now NOTHING on the ALSA.org website says you HAVE to do this within 24 Hours!
However (Comma) I Hereby Challenge:
Right Broad Bonnie Russo, and Fellow Massapequan Musicians/Artist/CriminalsJim Lemanowicz, (Couzin) Tom Brzezinski and Gene Perone (Buddy Flip)
I’ll Tell Ya!
::Does Mahon Wave::
#IceBucketChallenge
http://www.alsa.org/

Broads At The Beach Do NOT Pee In The Water (At Least *I* Don’t!) Nor Do They Obey Signs

While at the Beach Sunday I felt the Urge to Pee.
Now, Unlike the Male of the Species (and Many Women as well),  I CAN’T Pee in the Ocean.
Nope.
Need the Ladies’ Room.
As did MANY other Broads, Chicks, and Children of Said Broads and Chicks.
Of Course there was a *Long* Line….
Because People Don’t Obey Signs.
The ones both OUTSIDE and INSIDE the Ladies’ Room (and I use the term “Ladies'” loosely) stating that there is a Lovely Large Changing Room(s) just around the corner, literally *Two Feet* away from the Aforementioned Rest Room.
Of Course, Broads went INTO the Bathroom in Bathing Suits and came OUT Fully Dressed while those of us who REALLY Needed To Pee waited…
And the Changing Rooms remained Unoccupied.
SO I said to the Little Broad (an Attendant, I Presumed, due to the fact that she was wearing a Shirt that said “Bradley Beach Staff”) sitting in a chair outside the Bathroom,
“Hey, since people are CHANGING THEIR CLOTHES in the BATHROOM is it OK if I go PEE in the CHANGING ROOM?”
She just looked at me, confused, and said,  “¿Què?”

Sign *Inside* The Broads' Llavatory. There Was One *Outside* (In Both English AND Spanish) As Well.
Sign *Inside* The Broads’ Llavatory. There Was One *Outside* (In Both English AND Spanish) As Well.

Which leads me to *this* Rant:
:: AHEM ::
Calling All Broads!

Why is it whenever I use a Public Toilet, I need to spend several minutes Cleaning the Toilet Seat because Broads feel it’s Necessary to “Hover”and Subsequently Pee All Over the Seat?
If every Broad who needs to pee would just sit down & pee like a normal female, there wouldn’t be piss all over the seat!!
(I know MY bum is clean!)
I’ve been Sitting Down to Pee since I was a Wee Tot (NO Pun Intended) and I haven’t Succumbed to Any Fabled (or Fatal) Toilet Diseases yet!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Broads (And Dudes) *Not* Obeying Signs
Broads (And Dudes) *Not* Obeying Signs

::Ahem::
At the Moment we are Smack Dab in the Middle of a Sultry Bi-Polish Solar Vortex Seasonal Weather System that Meteorologists call
“The Big Armpit,”
Meaning that it is Endlessly Hot and Humid and Prone to Producing Fungii and Mutant Growths.
Most of which show up in the Emergency Department at around Midnight.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

They’re BaaaaaAAaaaaaack!!

*Tonight’s Rant is Brought To You By Riddex and Fresh Cab*
They’re BAAAACK!
And here I, [Silly Me] thought they might be on Summer Vacation but NOOO.
PoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopy
In My Cabinet.
PoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopy
In My Sink.
You thought the Sugar Ants were annoying?
(I’d scream but my throat is too sore from this Goddamn Summer Cold I inherited from my Fellow Employees)
::Ahem::
A Mouse Tale.
(Rather, MANY Mice Tails!)
Regarding the Mouse Invasion and Various Deterrents…
It all started about last November:
[I Quote Myself]:
“Indeed I *AM* An Admirer of All Creatures Great and Small.
*However* (comma) MICE Do NOT Belong in My Kitchen!
Or Any OTHER Part of My House For That Matter!!!
So….We set out Mouse Traps.
The Mice said the Peanut Butter was Delicious.
They even left Thank You Notes in Morse Code Poops!
Happy Holidays…..Lla LLa Lla… ::SNAP::
So I’m standing by the Stove pouring some Seltzer when I hear *scurrying* INSIDE our Ancient Chambers Stove.
::SCURRY::SCURRY::SCURRY::
I stare at the Stove listening when ::DINK!!::
A little Gray Body with beady black eyes POPS out of the burner, STARES at me as I’m staring at *him*, and*JUMPS*, turns around, and scurries back into the stove as I finish pouring my seltzer.
So much for Fresh Cab. They think it smells lovely!
The Llittle Fucker has to be Cute, too. Bastard.
Re: The “Fresh Cab”.
You can hear the Sounds of the Country Mice Dancing around in my Chambers Stove, Squeaking out Holiday Carols and Celebrating the New Festive Fragrance of Fresh Cab as they Devour Morsels Fallen Through the Burners from Previous Meals!
We have old Wooden Cabinets and Ancient Formica Countertops in my kitchen and I noticed that the little Bastards had made their way in for the cold season, what with the tiny droppings and chewed up food containers.
So, I sent the husband to Amazon.com to buy a box of Fresh Cab, a FB Friend told me to give it a try since it was an earth-friendly, humane alternative (being half a hippie, not wanting to kill the little guys).
So $15 later, I placed a Pouch in my cabinet (they say 1 for every 8 square feet of contained space) and the other three provided in the box in various places mice might be munching…
A few days later I opened the cabinet to find that not only was there a whole new crop of turds, but they had eaten through a box of Oatmeal that one pouch of the Fresh Cab was propped against.
Now, how these things are supposed to work outdoors, in a tractor or a garage or RV is beyond me when they will not work in a tiny, enclosed indoor area. It seems that the mice really enjoyed the Holiday scent, and the Fresh Cab put them in the Holiday Spirit, because they ate through some Granola Bars, a CAN of Mandarin Oranges, the Oatmeal…Molasses…(Even a Styrofoam Apple on a Wreath stored in the basement was Evidently Delicious!) u
Just a few more Ingredients and they have the proper makings of a Nice Holiday Fruitcake!!
So much for Kindness.
Next: Nicely Wrapped D-Con Baits. Delicious.
Better Mouse Traps…Glue Traps….
For Now, we’re having a Winter Solstice Heat Wave, so the Invaders may have moved back outside, or at least to the Basement to munch on stored Garden Equipment.”

This was my Mouse Rant from Last November.
Now it is August, and I’m finding NEW sets of PoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopy despite not hearing them or finding them in the Mouse Traps.
I have Riddex Plus thingies in every available outlet.
They *might* help (a little) with the Sugar Ants but the Mousies don’t give a crap.
CAN”T get a cat due to Four Dogs, Two Ferrets, Two Fish and a Senegal Parrot.
Just Shoot Me.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Screaming Metal Death Trap

::Oh Goody::
I received a Letter in the Mail the other day from the Ford Motor Company informing me that my 2001 Ford Explorer is in need of “An Important Safety Recall Repair”.
Basically it tells me the following:
“Safety Recall 05S28: Speed Control Deactivation Switch Fire
SUMMARY:
FORD IS RECALLING MODEL YEARS 1995-2002 EXPLORER VEHICLES EQUIPPED WITH THE TEXAS INSTRUMENTS SPEED CONTROL DEACTIVATION SWITCH (SCDS). THE SCDS MAY LEAK INTERNALLY AND THEN OVERHEAT, SMOKE, OR BURN.
CONSEQUENCE:
A VEHICLE FIRE COULD OCCUR WITH OR WITHOUT THE ENGINE RUNNING.”
The Letter goes on to say that
“A Fire can occur even if the Key is NOT in the Ignition, and can occur even if the Speed Control System is NEVER USED.
Until your vehicle is repaired, please park your Vehicle away from Structures to Prevent Your Underhood Fire from Spreading.”
So basically it’s telling me that my car can BURST INTO FLAMES at ANY GIVEN MOMENT *regardless* of whether it’s running or not.
Moments from now, my car may or may not turn into a FLAMING BALL OF DEATH.
And here I am worried about the fact that I have almost Zero Front Shocks and my Tires Randomly Lose Air…
I Take Comfort in Knowing that I Do Indeed Drive a Screaming Metal Death Trap.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Screaming Metal Death Trap Fireball XL5