Category Archives: Wit & Whimsy

It’s That Time Again Kids!

try-it-before-you-buy-it-flex-seal_9663632_ver1-0_640_360

::Ahem::
What’s up with these commercials touting FlexSeal as the Perfect Christmas Gift?
They even go so far as to show some Broad gleefully accepting a Festively Wrapped Can of the Liquid Rubber Spray like it was made of Gold.
“Hey this is GREAT! Now we won’t need to use those Pesky Condoms any more!
I’ll just spray this Shit up my Vagina and we’re Good to Go!”
And what better way to get your Annoying Right Wing Relatives to Shut the Fuck Up!
FlexSeal!
Say! It *is* an Awesome Gift!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

 

::Ahem::
Asshole Party Frontrunner,
Billionaire “The Donald” AssHat Trump Lands at Mexican Border.
In Lower Left-Hand Corner, Government Hedgehog Attempts To Locate
The Bloated Megalomaniac’s Miniscule Genitalia Via Ultrasound As Bemused Local Officials Look On.
::Please Make A Note Of It::Asshole 2016

POTUS?

SCOTUS? POTUS? SCROTUM? WTF?

::Ahem::
OMG.
WTF.
HFM.
As If ‪#‎Hashtags‬ aren’t Annoying Enough,
What The Actual Fuck is UP with the Current Overuse of ACRONYMS????
Last week, when the Supreme Court ruled Pro-All/Any-Gender-Marriage,
Social Media was Ablaze (and Rightfully So) with Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows,
Thanking SCOTUS (Supreme Court Of The United States) and POTUS….!?!
I’m sorry but when I see SCOTUS my *Brain* thinks *Scrotum*.
Although associating the Supreme Court with Ballsacks is not *too* far off base, WHY is the Acronym necessary??
And when someone referred to Obama as POTUS.
Well.
It took me a few moments to figure *that* one out.
I see POTUS and I think, “Weezer (my Boston Terrorist) catches a Baby Potus in the Back Yard at least once a year….”
Dont even get me *started* on what my brain sees when someone types FLOTUS….I *won’t*.
I *like* our First Lady and I think it’s Downright Disrespectful to use such Vulgarity.
Goddamn It!
If you mean something just SAY IT.
Or TYPE IT.
And that’s another thing.
If I see ONE more *Adult* using “U” in a sentence instead of the Actual Word “YOU”,
I am going to reach through Cyberspace and shove a Complete Box Set of Sesame Street down the Offender’s Throat.
::Please Make A Note Of It::
*Tonight’s Rant was Brought to You By HashTag Away….*

Tonight's Rant was Brought to You By HashTag Away....
Tonight’s Rant was Brought to You By HashTag Away….

 

"Fruit flies" by TheAlphaWolf - Own work. Licensed under CC BY 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Fruit_flies.jpg#/media/File:Fruit_flies.jpg

Sleep, Sex, Fruit Flies, And Mice

::Ahem::
I Stumbled Upon a Study on How Lack Of Sleep Can Affect my Cognitive Abilities, Health and Memory.
It went on to Proclaim That:
“…University of Washington researchers studied the role of sleep in forming long-term memories by using a Special Breed of Fruit Flies that could be Induced to Sleep On Demand.
First, the Male Flies studied in this paper were “trained” by being exposed to other Genetically Engineered Males who released Female Pheromones.
After several courtships and rejections during this training period, some of these Flies were then forced to sleep for four hours.
These Sleepers made no further attempts to court the Engineered Males when exposed to them again — suggesting that sleep had helped form a long-term memory of the earlier deception.
But Flies who didn’t sleep were tricked once more by the same Genetically Engineered Males. The researchers in this study concluded that training alone was not enough to trigger memory consolidation — sleep was a necessary component.”
[So Evidently if I get Enough Sleep, I *may* one day be as Smart as a Fruit Fly.]
And…”Another Preliminary Study from the Washington University School of Medicine found that in Mice, Poor Sleep may be related to Brain Plaques associated with Alzheimer’s.”
So, folks, be sure that your Fruit Flies and Mice get Plenty of Sleep!
Me?
I’ll be awake until 4 or 5AM watching the Science Channel.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Mouse CPR

Portrait Of An Idiot

Portrait Of An Idiot (Don’t Try This At Home, Kids!)

::Ahem::
I Am So Talented,
I Managed To Give Myself A Black Eye.
See I had This Kind of Pimply-Like Thing Under My Eye…
And it was Really Annoying Me the Other Night….
So I figured I’d Perform Sugery..
Not Successfully.
There’s These Capillaries there you see…
So…
Yes.
I am An Idiot.
But Makeup and Reading Glasses help.
It Also Helps To Be Bi-Polish.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

I am An Idiot.  But Makeup and Reading Glasses help. It Also Helps To Be Bi-Polish.
I am An Idiot.
But Makeup and Reading Glasses help.
It Also Helps To Be Bi-Polish.

Easter, Passover, Hollywood, And Irony On The USS Enterprise

::Ahem::
Easter, Passover, Hollywood, and Irony on the USS Enterprise.
Not Necessarily In That Order…
It Goes Kinda Like This:
At some point prior to “The Cage” (Later known as “The Menagerie“–Star Trek TOS), Christopher Robin Pike is promoted to Fleet Captain.
He is severely injured while rescuing several Cadets from a Baffle Plate Rupture on board a J-class Training Vessel, the Delta Ray Radiation leaving him Paralyzed, Mute, Badly Scarred, and Dependent on a Brainwave-Operated Wheelchair.
His only means of communicating is through a Light on the Chair:
One Flash meaning “Yes” and Two Flashes indicating “No”.
But…Wait!
What?
They can Travel at Warp Speed Through Space and Time, yet all they can manage for Captain Pike is a Glorified Hoveround!?!
No Wonder the Son of God quit the Series!
And it was A Good Thing, too!
If Jeffrey Hunter hadn’t quit Star Trek, the character of the SpaceAge-Wheelchair Bound Captain Pike as we know him, and indeed the now famous character of
Captain James Tiberius Kirk played by William Shatner may never have existed.
(Evidently Mr. Hunter was Good Enough to Die for Our Sins but not quite up to the Task of Seducing Green Women.)
The Collective Star Trek Fan Base thanks him for that.
In reality Hunter accepted the lead role of Captain Christopher Pike in “The Cage”, the first pilot episode of Star Trek, but declined to film a second Star Trek pilot requested by NBC in 1965, and decided to concentrate on motion pictures such as Brainstorm.
Ironically, Hunter died of a Cerebral Hemorrhage in 1969.
Three Days Later,
He Arose from the Dead,
Saw a Cute Little Bunny, and
Decided to Hide Brightly Colored Hard Boiled Eggs and Dispense Jelly Beans to the Masses.
Happy Easter!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

"The Menagerie"--Star Trek TOS
They can Travel at Warp Speed Through Space and Time, yet all they can manage for Captain Pike is a Glorified Hoveround!?!

Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away?? Think Again.

::Ahem::
☼AccuWhatTheF☼ck Forecast☼
Oh Boy!
Yay!
Spring Is Coming!
So Is This Giant Blue and Pink Dildo!
Bend Over NorthEast!!
And Watch Out For The Big Red *L*!!!
The Bi-Polish Cryogenic Vortex Is Gonna Stick It To You Again!!
So Remember:
Spring Begins with The Vernal Equinox
On Friday March 20th 2015 at 6:45PM!!
Be Sure to Balance Your Eggs!
You Might Try Sticking Them Into One of the Hundreds of SNOWBANKS That Will (Still) Populate the Eastern Seabroad!!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

::Ahem:: Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away?? Think Again.  ::Please Make A Note Of It::
::Ahem::
Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away??
Think Again.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

 

"By Weir... the Hides of March!"

March Fifteenth Two Thousand Fifteen

::Ahem::
Julius March the Tanner was on the Horns of a Dilemma.
He needed to deliver a load of Freshly Tanned Hides to the Local Leather Goods
Manufacturer.
All seemed well until the truck driver came in and told him that the tires on the truck were bald.
“Alas!” cried Mr March, “Then we cannot make delivery as I have no
money to buy new tires! I’d better call the customer and inform him!”
The customer, being a good friend of Mr. March, agreed to take a double
load of hides thus giving the Tanner the wherewithal to get new tires.
Furthermore, he suggested, the driver could drop the hides off,
collect the payment in cash and go straight to the Tire Fitter from
there.
Mr March, ecstatic at the news, sent the driver on his way with strict
instructions to report immediately to the Tire Fitter once he had
completed his delivery.
Unfortunately, Murphy’s law being what it is, the truck suffered a
blowout on the way to the delivery.
Swerving all over the road on its three remaining bald tires, the truck finally careened off into the
River and lost its load.
Fortunately a Low Dam had been built across the River at that point
and the Hides washed up against it.
The driver, dazed and almost incoherent called the customer on a payphone (there were no Cell Phones at the time) to inform him of the disaster.
A passer-by heard him breathlessly tell the leather goods manufacturer:
“By Weir… the Hides of March!”
Editor’s Note: [A weir/ˈwɪər/ is a barrier across a river designed to alter its flow characteristics. In most cases, weirs take the form of obstructions smaller than most conventional dams, pooling water behind them while also allowing it to flow steadily over their tops. Weirs are commonly used to alter the flow of rivers to prevent flooding, measure discharge, and help render rivers navigable.]
::Please Make A Note Of It::

"By Weir... the Hides of March!"
A weir in Warkworth, New Zealand