Category Archives: The Bi-Polish Vortex

[Photo Courtesy Of The New Yorker]

The Republican Cesspool Of Presidential Candidates Plus One Belly-Flopper

::Ahem::
This Festering Pile Of Shit Who Wants to Own Everything
Is Belly-Flopping Into the Republican Cesspool of Presidential Candidates.
I Maintain that Asshat Trump’s Only Redeeming Quality Is That he Is Indeed,
Like Most Festering Piles of Shit,
Biodegradable.
Except for that Roadkill on his Head.
Every Time the Pompous Megalomaniac Opens That Festering Sewage Trap to Speak,
He Makes himself Less Credible as a Candidate.
Though I must Predict that Between Asshat Trump and Forrest Gump (aka Jeb!),
and the Rest of the Republican Cesspool of Candidates,
The Collective Comedy Writers of the Universe Are Anticipating Electoral Comedy Field Days.
::Please Make A Note Of It::
[Photo Courtesy Of The New Yorker]

[Photo Courtesy Of The New Yorker]
Belly-Flopping Into the Republican Cesspool of Presidential Candidates
[Photo Courtesy Of The New Yorker]

 

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Portrait Of An Idiot

Portrait Of An Idiot (Don’t Try This At Home, Kids!)

::Ahem::
I Am So Talented,
I Managed To Give Myself A Black Eye.
See I had This Kind of Pimply-Like Thing Under My Eye…
And it was Really Annoying Me the Other Night….
So I figured I’d Perform Sugery..
Not Successfully.
There’s These Capillaries there you see…
So…
Yes.
I am An Idiot.
But Makeup and Reading Glasses help.
It Also Helps To Be Bi-Polish.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

I am An Idiot.  But Makeup and Reading Glasses help. It Also Helps To Be Bi-Polish.
I am An Idiot.
But Makeup and Reading Glasses help.
It Also Helps To Be Bi-Polish.

Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away?? Think Again.

::Ahem::
☼AccuWhatTheF☼ck Forecast☼
Oh Boy!
Yay!
Spring Is Coming!
So Is This Giant Blue and Pink Dildo!
Bend Over NorthEast!!
And Watch Out For The Big Red *L*!!!
The Bi-Polish Cryogenic Vortex Is Gonna Stick It To You Again!!
So Remember:
Spring Begins with The Vernal Equinox
On Friday March 20th 2015 at 6:45PM!!
Be Sure to Balance Your Eggs!
You Might Try Sticking Them Into One of the Hundreds of SNOWBANKS That Will (Still) Populate the Eastern Seabroad!!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

::Ahem:: Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away?? Think Again.  ::Please Make A Note Of It::
::Ahem::
Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away??
Think Again.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

 

::AHEM::
“Due To Daylight Saving(s) Time,
This Weekend You Will Waste One Less Hour On The Internet.”
What Time Is It?
Where?
What?
Wait, *what* time do I have to get up tomorrow?
Wait! It IS tomorrow!
Daylight Saving Time.
Why not pick a time and STICK with it, dammit!
1914* called! It wants its Antiquated Ideas back!
(*The modern idea of Daylight Saving was first proposed in 1895 by George Vernon Hudson and it was first implemented during the First World War).
Although an early goal of DST was to reduce evening usage of incandescent lighting (formerly a primary use of electricity), modern heating and cooling usage patterns differ greatly, and research about how DST currently affects energy use is limited or contradictory.
DST clock shifts present other challenges. They complicate timekeeping, and can disrupt meetings, travel, billing, record keeping, medical devices, heavy equipment, and sleep patterns. Software can often adjust computer clocks automatically, but this can be limited and error-prone, particularly when DST protocols are changed.
Proponents of DST generally argue that it saves energy, promotes outdoor leisure activity in the evening, and is therefore good for physical and psychological health, reduces traffic accidents, reduces crime, or is good for business. Groups that tend to support DST are urban workers or professionals, retail businesses, outdoor sports enthusiasts and businesses, tourism operators, and others who benefit from increased light during the evening.
Opponents argue that actual energy savings are inconclusive, that DST can disrupt morning activities, and that the act of changing clocks twice a year is economically and socially disruptive and cancels out any benefit. Groups that have tended to oppose DST are farmers, transportation companies, and the indoor and outdoor entertainment business.
A move to “permanent daylight saving time” (staying on summer hours all year with no time shifts) is sometimes advocated, and has in fact been implemented in some jurisdictions such as Iceland, Russia, and Belarus. The United Kingdom stayed on daylight saving time from 1968 to 1971. Advocates cite the same advantages as normal DST without the problems associated with the twice yearly time shifts. However, many remain unconvinced of the benefits, citing the same problems and the relatively late sunrises, particularly in winter, that year-round DST entails.
“Permanent daylight saving time” or permanent summer time are perhaps misnomers, as the practice essentially becomes the “standard time” for the area. However, it can be considered to be a deviation from the internationally agreed timezone of the Coordinated Universal Time system.
Many jurisdictions such as Argentina, Central China, Georgia, Kazakhstan, Mongolia, Saskatchewan, Senegal, Sudan, Turkmenistan, and Tokelau can be considered to use a form of de facto permanent daylight saving time because they use time zones located to the east of the time zones they are geographically located in. Thus their local times are later than the time they would theoretically occur under a “pure” system, such as the nautical time system, giving the same effect as year-round DST.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

☼AccuWhatTheF☼ck☼ Update☼

Isn’t SPRING Only Nineteen Days Away?!?
…MAYBE….
::Ahem::
Sir Isaac Newton founded Classical Mechanics on the View that Space is Distinct from Body and that Time passes Uniformly without Regard to Whether Anything Happens in the World.
For this reason he spoke of Absolute Space and Absolute Time, so as to Distinguish these Entities from the Various Ways By Which We Measure Them
(which he called Relative Spaces and Relative Times).
Albert Einstein concluded in his later years that the Past, Present, and Future all Exist Simultaneously.
In 1952, in his book Relativity, in discussing Minkowski’s Space World Interpretation of his Theory of Relativity, Einstein writes:
“Since there exists in this four dimensional structure [space-time] no longer any sections which represent “now” objectively, the concepts of happening and becoming
are indeed not completely suspended, but yet complicated.
It appears therefore more natural to think of physical reality as a four dimensional existence, instead of, as hitherto, the evolution of a three dimensional existence.”
Most everyone knows that Einstein proved that time is relative, not absolute as Newton claimed.
Which tells me that *Time*, for me, is as Einstein concluded:
There is no True Division between Past and Future, there is rather a Single Existence.
Today Is March First.
We are due for Another Bi-Polish Cryogenic Vortex Nor’Easter Today.
Therefore, Winter Is Forever.
::Please Make A Note Of It::
AccuWhatTheFuck March 1

"Going To Church Doesn't Make You A Christian Any More Than Standing In A Garage Makes You A Car."

“Going To Church Doesn’t Make You A Christian Any More Than Standing In A Garage Makes You A Car.”

::AHEM::
The Conversation Started Like This:
Why is it called “Fat Tuesday”?
It’s Tuesday.
I’m Fat.
End of Story.
“Fat Tuesday is the traditional name for the day before Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent.
It is more commonly known as Mardi Gras, which is simply Fat Tuesday in French.
It gets its name from the custom, in many Catholic countries, of marking the day with feasting before the fasting season of Lent begins.
Though Mardi Gras technically refers only to Fat Tuesday, the Mardi Gras season actually begins on Epiphany, a Christian holiday celebrated on January 6 that is otherwise known as Three Kings Day or the Twelfth Day of Christmas.
In Brazil and many other countries, this period between Epiphany and Fat Tuesday is known as Carnival.
Whichever name you prefer to use, the Revelries of Mardi Gras last until Midnight “Fat Tuesday”, when Ash Wednesday ushers in Forty Days of Lent.”
Fasting?
What’s that?
I actually *am* a Recovering Catholic.
The last thing I gave up for Lent, when I was Fifteen, was Catholicism.
And tomorrow all Good Catholics will walk around with Schmutz on their Foreheads.
It’s all I can do *not* to run around wiping everyone’s head off with a tissue.
A *used* one…
“Going To Church Doesn’t Make You A Christian Any More Than Standing In A Garage Makes You A Car.”
Re: Ligion.
I’m *not* a Big Fan of Organized Religion.
Really.
You can do *anything* Religiously, that doesn’t necessarily make it “Spiritual”, does it?
No.
(To say I was a Skeptic would be an Understatement…)
When I was little we’d go to Church every Sunday.
In those days Women had to wear a Hat in Church.
Evidently if you Failed To Do So you were Destined to Burn Eternally in Hell.
On the Occasional Sunday we failed to bring Appropriate Headgear, my Mother would inevitably come to the rescue with a Tissue and Bobby Pins.
Fashion of the Times.
Yes, THAT Tissue Alone would Save My Soul, no doubt.
My father was an Usher at the Particular Church we went to.
He’d been a member of the Knights of Columbus as well.
We’d do “Confession” on Saturday nights, receive “Holy Communion” on Sunday, my father would , with the other “Ushers”, do the Collection in the middle of the Painfully Tedious Service, and at the end of this Charade, he’d say, “There, don’t you feel all HOLY now?”
Then we’d go home, and by the end of the day he’d be drunk and verbally and/or physically abusing everyone.
Good Times.
Then, when I was around Fifteen, my older sisters and I while investigating “Alternative” Religions, discovered “Evangelism” (Born-Again-Christianity).
You can Well Imagine where the Story goes from There.
Perhaps I’ll tell Y’all sometime if anyone cares.
Let’s just say, over the years, it involved my Sister getting married to my Ex-Brother-in-Llaw, who, while being an Ordained So-Called Christian Minister, was(is) also one of the Vilest People Inhabiting the Earth.
Boy Howdy can we (meaning my ENTIRE immediate family including my Daughter and my Dogs) tell you stories about *that* Fiasco!
But, that’s for Another Time.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼

☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼

::Ahem::
¤ AccuWhatTheFuck¤ Update!!
The Bi-Polish Vortex Continues On Its Merry Way Through The Tri-State Region.
At the Moment we are Smack Dab in the Middle of a Seasonal Weather System that Meteorologists like to call “The Cryosphere”,
Meaning that it is Colder Than A Witch’s Tit and Prone to Spontaneously Producing Glaciers, Ice shelves, Icebergs, and Douchebags.

☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼
☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼

ANOTHER SEVEN INCHES of SNON on the Ground and I’m Skipping the Gym today because The Roads are a Sheet of Ice.
Face It Folks, Another Ice Age Is Upon Us!
(At least *My Body* evidently thinks so.)
Our Bodies believe that Any Day Now, we’ll have Another Ice Age and there won’t be Any More Food, so they Need to Store up Lots of Fat.
So while our Brains are in the 21st Century, forcing us to eat Salads,
Our Bodies are Back in Prehistoric Times, thinking:
“I made Six Ounces of Fat today! Bring on the Glaciers!”
If only we could explain to our Bodies that Times have Changed & they no longer need to make so much Fat.
Of course, I refuse to get on a Scale unless Forced to Do So at Gunpoint.
Why, you may ask?
Or not.
But I’ll tell you anyway.
I’m Allergic to Scales.
The Type that Guess your Weight.
They make me Break Out in Low Self-Esteem.
The last time I got on a Digital Scale was when they did the Mandatory “Wellness” Thing at Work in September.
Yes: My Biometric Screening!
Which of course meant Blood Tests, Blood Pressure, BMI Analysis, and the Utterly Horrific “Getting On The Scale For the First Time in a Year”.
Okay so I *did* tell the Screening Broad that I have at least Five Pounds of Product in My Hair and to take that into account…
Plus Gravity has gotten Stronger due to the Space Dust Thing…
But she made me get on the Digital Scale anyway.
First, the Scale said “Yo! Two of Y’all Are Gonna Have To Get Off!”
Then, when it finally registered,
It read “Volkswagen”.
Gravity Is Not My Friend.
So Evidently I’m the Perfect Weight for My Height, Bone Structure, BMI, and Age.
*If* I Were a 1964 Volkswagen Mini-Bus.
Really.
Bring On The Ice Age!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Me!
What The Hospital Scale Thinks I Am…

 

 

::Ahem::
Governor Chris “Krispy Kreme” Christie has Declared a State of Emergency in New Jersey:
Due to Winter Storm “Juno”‘s Imminent Blizzard Conditions, the Entenmann’s Trucks will be Unable to Deliver to the Governor’s Mansion as Scheduled.
Upon Discovering That the Driveway to His Favorite Dunkin’ Donuts is Plowed In and His Beloved Pizza Hut is Closed,
The Fat Bastard (oops I mean Governor) Announced:
“I encourage all New Jerseyans to use Every Caution as they travel today and to remain off the roads whenever possible so that our first responders and public safety officials can safely respond to these Emergency Situations, assuring that Stockpiles of Donuts and Pizza are Delivered to the Governor’s Mansion in a Timely Fashion. ”
He then added, “Get the HELL away from that Domino’s Car!!! That’s MINE!”
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Bend Over, Here It Comes!

French Toast Alert Giant White Suppository Update!!

¤ AccuWhatTheFuck¤
French Toast Alert Update!!
THIS Time A Giant White Suppository Will Be Traveling Up The Eastern Seabroad as The Bi-Polish Vortex Continues On Its Merry Way
Through The Tri-State Region.
So, BEND OVER, Here It Comes!
Before intensifying into a Major Winter Storm,
This Suppository will spread Disruptive Snow across the Llower Midwest and into the Mid-Atlantic through Sunday Evening.
Tonight:
Proceed at Speed Llimit Before Snow Starts to Nearest Supermarket to pick up Two Gallons of Milk, a Couple Dozen Eggs and Two Lloaves of Bread and Several Pounds of Butter Per Person in Household.
And Don’t Forget the Maple Syrup for Extra Traction!!
Be Sure to Make as Much French Toast as Possible,
Stockpiling Several Dozen Slices to Throw Under Your Tires for Traction for when the Town Plows Finally Come By Just as You’ve Shoveled Out Your Driveway and Plow You In!
Starting Around 6:00AM Monday, Large Chunks Of Snon and Ice Will Continuously Fall From The Sky Throughout Rush Hour and Into The Morning,
Mixed with Sleet, Rain, Frogs, Llocusts, Blood, and John Boehner’s Unwashed BVD’s–
Especially Monday Evening Throughout Monday Night.
The Greatest Amount of Snow, on the Order of 18-48 Inches,
Is Forecast Wherever You Are Going.
Upon Parking Outdoors,
Be Sure To Turn Your Windshield Wiper Blades Towards Heaven
To Avoid The Wrath Of The Higher Power of Your Choice.

::Please Make A Note Of It::

Bend Over, Here It Comes!
This Time It’s A Giant White Suppository!

::Warning::

::WARNING::
In the Event of a Boehner That Persists Longer Than Four Days,
Citizens Should Seek Immediate Professional Help.
If House Republicanism Is Not Treated Immediately,
Brain Tissue Damage and Permanent Loss of Inalienable Rights Will Result.
::Please Make A Note Of It::