Category Archives: The Garden Vortex

Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away?? Think Again.

::Ahem::
☼AccuWhatTheF☼ck Forecast☼
Oh Boy!
Yay!
Spring Is Coming!
So Is This Giant Blue and Pink Dildo!
Bend Over NorthEast!!
And Watch Out For The Big Red *L*!!!
The Bi-Polish Cryogenic Vortex Is Gonna Stick It To You Again!!
So Remember:
Spring Begins with The Vernal Equinox
On Friday March 20th 2015 at 6:45PM!!
Be Sure to Balance Your Eggs!
You Might Try Sticking Them Into One of the Hundreds of SNOWBANKS That Will (Still) Populate the Eastern Seabroad!!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

::Ahem:: Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away?? Think Again.  ::Please Make A Note Of It::
::Ahem::
Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away??
Think Again.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

 

☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼

☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼

::Ahem::
¤ AccuWhatTheFuck¤ Update!!
The Bi-Polish Vortex Continues On Its Merry Way Through The Tri-State Region.
At the Moment we are Smack Dab in the Middle of a Seasonal Weather System that Meteorologists like to call “The Cryosphere”,
Meaning that it is Colder Than A Witch’s Tit and Prone to Spontaneously Producing Glaciers, Ice shelves, Icebergs, and Douchebags.

☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼
☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼

ANOTHER SEVEN INCHES of SNON on the Ground and I’m Skipping the Gym today because The Roads are a Sheet of Ice.
Face It Folks, Another Ice Age Is Upon Us!
(At least *My Body* evidently thinks so.)
Our Bodies believe that Any Day Now, we’ll have Another Ice Age and there won’t be Any More Food, so they Need to Store up Lots of Fat.
So while our Brains are in the 21st Century, forcing us to eat Salads,
Our Bodies are Back in Prehistoric Times, thinking:
“I made Six Ounces of Fat today! Bring on the Glaciers!”
If only we could explain to our Bodies that Times have Changed & they no longer need to make so much Fat.
Of course, I refuse to get on a Scale unless Forced to Do So at Gunpoint.
Why, you may ask?
Or not.
But I’ll tell you anyway.
I’m Allergic to Scales.
The Type that Guess your Weight.
They make me Break Out in Low Self-Esteem.
The last time I got on a Digital Scale was when they did the Mandatory “Wellness” Thing at Work in September.
Yes: My Biometric Screening!
Which of course meant Blood Tests, Blood Pressure, BMI Analysis, and the Utterly Horrific “Getting On The Scale For the First Time in a Year”.
Okay so I *did* tell the Screening Broad that I have at least Five Pounds of Product in My Hair and to take that into account…
Plus Gravity has gotten Stronger due to the Space Dust Thing…
But she made me get on the Digital Scale anyway.
First, the Scale said “Yo! Two of Y’all Are Gonna Have To Get Off!”
Then, when it finally registered,
It read “Volkswagen”.
Gravity Is Not My Friend.
So Evidently I’m the Perfect Weight for My Height, Bone Structure, BMI, and Age.
*If* I Were a 1964 Volkswagen Mini-Bus.
Really.
Bring On The Ice Age!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Me!
What The Hospital Scale Thinks I Am…

 

 

Bend Over, Here It Comes!

French Toast Alert Giant White Suppository Update!!

¤ AccuWhatTheFuck¤
French Toast Alert Update!!
THIS Time A Giant White Suppository Will Be Traveling Up The Eastern Seabroad as The Bi-Polish Vortex Continues On Its Merry Way
Through The Tri-State Region.
So, BEND OVER, Here It Comes!
Before intensifying into a Major Winter Storm,
This Suppository will spread Disruptive Snow across the Llower Midwest and into the Mid-Atlantic through Sunday Evening.
Tonight:
Proceed at Speed Llimit Before Snow Starts to Nearest Supermarket to pick up Two Gallons of Milk, a Couple Dozen Eggs and Two Lloaves of Bread and Several Pounds of Butter Per Person in Household.
And Don’t Forget the Maple Syrup for Extra Traction!!
Be Sure to Make as Much French Toast as Possible,
Stockpiling Several Dozen Slices to Throw Under Your Tires for Traction for when the Town Plows Finally Come By Just as You’ve Shoveled Out Your Driveway and Plow You In!
Starting Around 6:00AM Monday, Large Chunks Of Snon and Ice Will Continuously Fall From The Sky Throughout Rush Hour and Into The Morning,
Mixed with Sleet, Rain, Frogs, Llocusts, Blood, and John Boehner’s Unwashed BVD’s–
Especially Monday Evening Throughout Monday Night.
The Greatest Amount of Snow, on the Order of 18-48 Inches,
Is Forecast Wherever You Are Going.
Upon Parking Outdoors,
Be Sure To Turn Your Windshield Wiper Blades Towards Heaven
To Avoid The Wrath Of The Higher Power of Your Choice.

::Please Make A Note Of It::

Bend Over, Here It Comes!
This Time It’s A Giant White Suppository!

Death By Fire Or Ice

::Ahem::
According To the Scientist Broad with the Bushy Eyebrows and Shaggy Hair on the Science Channel,
And the Cool Asian Theoretical Physicist Dude with Awesome Hair,
If the Earth shifted even a *Fraction* Inward in its Orbit Around The Sun, Oceans would Boil Away,
Our Planet Would Become a Desert, and the Earth would Be Destroyed.
If Earth’s Orbit shifted even a *Fraction* in the Opposite Direction,
Instead of Boiling, We would be Encased in Ice.
Oceans would Freeze.
A Permanent Ice Age would Begin.
The Smallest Shift in the Earth’s Orbit,
And We All Die by Fire or Ice.
::Please Make A Note Of It::
And Have A Pleasant Tomorrow….
Purple Thruway

::My Brain Hurts:: IceBucket Challenge 8/29/14

Here ya Go John Warren and Nancy Hill!!!
I’d like to see…
A Cure for Amyotrophic Llateral Sclerosis (ALS), often referred to as “Lou Gehrig’s Disease”!
This here Bathtub drains into my Garden so NO water will go to waste!
John Warren and Nancy Hill,
This One’s For You!
My Brain Hurts!
Now NOTHING on the ALSA.org website says you HAVE to do this within 24 Hours!
However (Comma) I Hereby Challenge:
Right Broad Bonnie Russo, and Fellow Massapequan Musicians/Artist/CriminalsJim Lemanowicz, (Couzin) Tom Brzezinski and Gene Perone (Buddy Flip)
I’ll Tell Ya!
::Does Mahon Wave::
#IceBucketChallenge
http://www.alsa.org/

Broads At The Beach Do NOT Pee In The Water (At Least *I* Don’t!) Nor Do They Obey Signs

While at the Beach Sunday I felt the Urge to Pee.
Now, Unlike the Male of the Species (and Many Women as well),  I CAN’T Pee in the Ocean.
Nope.
Need the Ladies’ Room.
As did MANY other Broads, Chicks, and Children of Said Broads and Chicks.
Of Course there was a *Long* Line….
Because People Don’t Obey Signs.
The ones both OUTSIDE and INSIDE the Ladies’ Room (and I use the term “Ladies'” loosely) stating that there is a Lovely Large Changing Room(s) just around the corner, literally *Two Feet* away from the Aforementioned Rest Room.
Of Course, Broads went INTO the Bathroom in Bathing Suits and came OUT Fully Dressed while those of us who REALLY Needed To Pee waited…
And the Changing Rooms remained Unoccupied.
SO I said to the Little Broad (an Attendant, I Presumed, due to the fact that she was wearing a Shirt that said “Bradley Beach Staff”) sitting in a chair outside the Bathroom,
“Hey, since people are CHANGING THEIR CLOTHES in the BATHROOM is it OK if I go PEE in the CHANGING ROOM?”
She just looked at me, confused, and said,  “¿Què?”

Sign *Inside* The Broads' Llavatory. There Was One *Outside* (In Both English AND Spanish) As Well.
Sign *Inside* The Broads’ Llavatory. There Was One *Outside* (In Both English AND Spanish) As Well.

Which leads me to *this* Rant:
:: AHEM ::
Calling All Broads!

Why is it whenever I use a Public Toilet, I need to spend several minutes Cleaning the Toilet Seat because Broads feel it’s Necessary to “Hover”and Subsequently Pee All Over the Seat?
If every Broad who needs to pee would just sit down & pee like a normal female, there wouldn’t be piss all over the seat!!
(I know MY bum is clean!)
I’ve been Sitting Down to Pee since I was a Wee Tot (NO Pun Intended) and I haven’t Succumbed to Any Fabled (or Fatal) Toilet Diseases yet!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Broads (And Dudes) *Not* Obeying Signs
Broads (And Dudes) *Not* Obeying Signs

::Ahem::
At the Moment we are Smack Dab in the Middle of a Sultry Bi-Polish Solar Vortex Seasonal Weather System that Meteorologists call
“The Big Armpit,”
Meaning that it is Endlessly Hot and Humid and Prone to Producing Fungii and Mutant Growths.
Most of which show up in the Emergency Department at around Midnight.
::Please Make A Note Of It::