Tag Archives: Comedy

::Ahem::
♫♪♪♫♫♪♪
I don’t want your Fluoride Toothpaste that can Clean my Teeth so Well,♪♫♪
I don’t want your Stupid X-Rays and your Drill can Go to Hell!♪♫♪
But you Think I should be Happy with your Silly Laughing Gas,
While I Ran around your Office,
And Made Myself an Ass.♪♫♪
Silver Teeth and Golden Fillings cannot Mend this Mouth of Mine
And I dare not Drown My Pain
In your Sweet Novocaine.♪♫♪
You can’t Heal my Mouth with Implants
Cause I Can’t afford That Kind,
Silver Teeth and Golden Fillings
Cannot Mend this Mouth of Mine! ♫♪♫
::Please Make A Note Of It::

::Ahem::
Asshole Party Frontrunner,
Billionaire “The Donald” AssHat Trump Lands at Mexican Border.
In Lower Left-Hand Corner, Government Hedgehog Attempts To Locate
The Bloated Megalomaniac’s Miniscule Genitalia Via Ultrasound As Bemused Local Officials Look On.
::Please Make A Note Of It::Asshole 2016

POTUS?

SCOTUS? POTUS? SCROTUM? WTF?

::Ahem::
OMG.
WTF.
HFM.
As If ‪#‎Hashtags‬ aren’t Annoying Enough,
What The Actual Fuck is UP with the Current Overuse of ACRONYMS????
Last week, when the Supreme Court ruled Pro-All/Any-Gender-Marriage,
Social Media was Ablaze (and Rightfully So) with Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows,
Thanking SCOTUS (Supreme Court Of The United States) and POTUS….!?!
I’m sorry but when I see SCOTUS my *Brain* thinks *Scrotum*.
Although associating the Supreme Court with Ballsacks is not *too* far off base, WHY is the Acronym necessary??
And when someone referred to Obama as POTUS.
Well.
It took me a few moments to figure *that* one out.
I see POTUS and I think, “Weezer (my Boston Terrorist) catches a Baby Potus in the Back Yard at least once a year….”
Dont even get me *started* on what my brain sees when someone types FLOTUS….I *won’t*.
I *like* our First Lady and I think it’s Downright Disrespectful to use such Vulgarity.
Goddamn It!
If you mean something just SAY IT.
Or TYPE IT.
And that’s another thing.
If I see ONE more *Adult* using “U” in a sentence instead of the Actual Word “YOU”,
I am going to reach through Cyberspace and shove a Complete Box Set of Sesame Street down the Offender’s Throat.
::Please Make A Note Of It::
*Tonight’s Rant was Brought to You By HashTag Away….*

Tonight's Rant was Brought to You By HashTag Away....
Tonight’s Rant was Brought to You By HashTag Away….

 

"Fruit flies" by TheAlphaWolf - Own work. Licensed under CC BY 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Fruit_flies.jpg#/media/File:Fruit_flies.jpg

Sleep, Sex, Fruit Flies, And Mice

::Ahem::
I Stumbled Upon a Study on How Lack Of Sleep Can Affect my Cognitive Abilities, Health and Memory.
It went on to Proclaim That:
“…University of Washington researchers studied the role of sleep in forming long-term memories by using a Special Breed of Fruit Flies that could be Induced to Sleep On Demand.
First, the Male Flies studied in this paper were “trained” by being exposed to other Genetically Engineered Males who released Female Pheromones.
After several courtships and rejections during this training period, some of these Flies were then forced to sleep for four hours.
These Sleepers made no further attempts to court the Engineered Males when exposed to them again — suggesting that sleep had helped form a long-term memory of the earlier deception.
But Flies who didn’t sleep were tricked once more by the same Genetically Engineered Males. The researchers in this study concluded that training alone was not enough to trigger memory consolidation — sleep was a necessary component.”
[So Evidently if I get Enough Sleep, I *may* one day be as Smart as a Fruit Fly.]
And…”Another Preliminary Study from the Washington University School of Medicine found that in Mice, Poor Sleep may be related to Brain Plaques associated with Alzheimer’s.”
So, folks, be sure that your Fruit Flies and Mice get Plenty of Sleep!
Me?
I’ll be awake until 4 or 5AM watching the Science Channel.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Mouse CPR

Portrait Of An Idiot

Portrait Of An Idiot (Don’t Try This At Home, Kids!)

::Ahem::
I Am So Talented,
I Managed To Give Myself A Black Eye.
See I had This Kind of Pimply-Like Thing Under My Eye…
And it was Really Annoying Me the Other Night….
So I figured I’d Perform Sugery..
Not Successfully.
There’s These Capillaries there you see…
So…
Yes.
I am An Idiot.
But Makeup and Reading Glasses help.
It Also Helps To Be Bi-Polish.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

I am An Idiot.  But Makeup and Reading Glasses help. It Also Helps To Be Bi-Polish.
I am An Idiot.
But Makeup and Reading Glasses help.
It Also Helps To Be Bi-Polish.
Delicious! Tasty!

Gastronomically Incorrect??

::Ahem::
What IS it with the Recent Over-Use of the Words “Yummy” “Yum” and the Ever-Nauseating “Yummmmm”??
I feel like I’m with a communicating bunch of Pre-Schoolers!!
What ever happened to “Delicious” or even “Tasty”?
How about the Ubiquitous “That’s Fucking AWESOME!”?
What are we, Three?
(Of course, Mentally, I’m still Fourteen, but that’s Besides the Point).
Just STAHHHP!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away?? Think Again.

::Ahem::
☼AccuWhatTheF☼ck Forecast☼
Oh Boy!
Yay!
Spring Is Coming!
So Is This Giant Blue and Pink Dildo!
Bend Over NorthEast!!
And Watch Out For The Big Red *L*!!!
The Bi-Polish Cryogenic Vortex Is Gonna Stick It To You Again!!
So Remember:
Spring Begins with The Vernal Equinox
On Friday March 20th 2015 at 6:45PM!!
Be Sure to Balance Your Eggs!
You Might Try Sticking Them Into One of the Hundreds of SNOWBANKS That Will (Still) Populate the Eastern Seabroad!!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

::Ahem:: Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away?? Think Again.  ::Please Make A Note Of It::
::Ahem::
Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away??
Think Again.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

 

::AHEM::
“Due To Daylight Saving(s) Time,
This Weekend You Will Waste One Less Hour On The Internet.”
What Time Is It?
Where?
What?
Wait, *what* time do I have to get up tomorrow?
Wait! It IS tomorrow!
Daylight Saving Time.
Why not pick a time and STICK with it, dammit!
1914* called! It wants its Antiquated Ideas back!
(*The modern idea of Daylight Saving was first proposed in 1895 by George Vernon Hudson and it was first implemented during the First World War).
Although an early goal of DST was to reduce evening usage of incandescent lighting (formerly a primary use of electricity), modern heating and cooling usage patterns differ greatly, and research about how DST currently affects energy use is limited or contradictory.
DST clock shifts present other challenges. They complicate timekeeping, and can disrupt meetings, travel, billing, record keeping, medical devices, heavy equipment, and sleep patterns. Software can often adjust computer clocks automatically, but this can be limited and error-prone, particularly when DST protocols are changed.
Proponents of DST generally argue that it saves energy, promotes outdoor leisure activity in the evening, and is therefore good for physical and psychological health, reduces traffic accidents, reduces crime, or is good for business. Groups that tend to support DST are urban workers or professionals, retail businesses, outdoor sports enthusiasts and businesses, tourism operators, and others who benefit from increased light during the evening.
Opponents argue that actual energy savings are inconclusive, that DST can disrupt morning activities, and that the act of changing clocks twice a year is economically and socially disruptive and cancels out any benefit. Groups that have tended to oppose DST are farmers, transportation companies, and the indoor and outdoor entertainment business.
A move to “permanent daylight saving time” (staying on summer hours all year with no time shifts) is sometimes advocated, and has in fact been implemented in some jurisdictions such as Iceland, Russia, and Belarus. The United Kingdom stayed on daylight saving time from 1968 to 1971. Advocates cite the same advantages as normal DST without the problems associated with the twice yearly time shifts. However, many remain unconvinced of the benefits, citing the same problems and the relatively late sunrises, particularly in winter, that year-round DST entails.
“Permanent daylight saving time” or permanent summer time are perhaps misnomers, as the practice essentially becomes the “standard time” for the area. However, it can be considered to be a deviation from the internationally agreed timezone of the Coordinated Universal Time system.
Many jurisdictions such as Argentina, Central China, Georgia, Kazakhstan, Mongolia, Saskatchewan, Senegal, Sudan, Turkmenistan, and Tokelau can be considered to use a form of de facto permanent daylight saving time because they use time zones located to the east of the time zones they are geographically located in. Thus their local times are later than the time they would theoretically occur under a “pure” system, such as the nautical time system, giving the same effect as year-round DST.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

::Ahem::
Here’s an Idea for Random Social Media Outlet…
Write Your Deepest Thoughts on Sheets of Toilet Paper.
Take Said Paper, Wipe, and Flush.
“Follow Me On Shitter.”
::Please Make A Note Of It::