Tag Archives: Health

It’s That Time Again Kids!

try-it-before-you-buy-it-flex-seal_9663632_ver1-0_640_360

::Ahem::
What’s up with these commercials touting FlexSeal as the Perfect Christmas Gift?
They even go so far as to show some Broad gleefully accepting a Festively Wrapped Can of the Liquid Rubber Spray like it was made of Gold.
“Hey this is GREAT! Now we won’t need to use those Pesky Condoms any more!
I’ll just spray this Shit up my Vagina and we’re Good to Go!”
And what better way to get your Annoying Right Wing Relatives to Shut the Fuck Up!
FlexSeal!
Say! It *is* an Awesome Gift!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

 

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"Fruit flies" by TheAlphaWolf - Own work. Licensed under CC BY 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Fruit_flies.jpg#/media/File:Fruit_flies.jpg

Sleep, Sex, Fruit Flies, And Mice

::Ahem::
I Stumbled Upon a Study on How Lack Of Sleep Can Affect my Cognitive Abilities, Health and Memory.
It went on to Proclaim That:
“…University of Washington researchers studied the role of sleep in forming long-term memories by using a Special Breed of Fruit Flies that could be Induced to Sleep On Demand.
First, the Male Flies studied in this paper were “trained” by being exposed to other Genetically Engineered Males who released Female Pheromones.
After several courtships and rejections during this training period, some of these Flies were then forced to sleep for four hours.
These Sleepers made no further attempts to court the Engineered Males when exposed to them again — suggesting that sleep had helped form a long-term memory of the earlier deception.
But Flies who didn’t sleep were tricked once more by the same Genetically Engineered Males. The researchers in this study concluded that training alone was not enough to trigger memory consolidation — sleep was a necessary component.”
[So Evidently if I get Enough Sleep, I *may* one day be as Smart as a Fruit Fly.]
And…”Another Preliminary Study from the Washington University School of Medicine found that in Mice, Poor Sleep may be related to Brain Plaques associated with Alzheimer’s.”
So, folks, be sure that your Fruit Flies and Mice get Plenty of Sleep!
Me?
I’ll be awake until 4 or 5AM watching the Science Channel.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Mouse CPR

Portrait Of An Idiot

Portrait Of An Idiot (Don’t Try This At Home, Kids!)

::Ahem::
I Am So Talented,
I Managed To Give Myself A Black Eye.
See I had This Kind of Pimply-Like Thing Under My Eye…
And it was Really Annoying Me the Other Night….
So I figured I’d Perform Sugery..
Not Successfully.
There’s These Capillaries there you see…
So…
Yes.
I am An Idiot.
But Makeup and Reading Glasses help.
It Also Helps To Be Bi-Polish.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

I am An Idiot.  But Makeup and Reading Glasses help. It Also Helps To Be Bi-Polish.
I am An Idiot.
But Makeup and Reading Glasses help.
It Also Helps To Be Bi-Polish.
Delicious! Tasty!

Gastronomically Incorrect??

::Ahem::
What IS it with the Recent Over-Use of the Words “Yummy” “Yum” and the Ever-Nauseating “Yummmmm”??
I feel like I’m with a communicating bunch of Pre-Schoolers!!
What ever happened to “Delicious” or even “Tasty”?
How about the Ubiquitous “That’s Fucking AWESOME!”?
What are we, Three?
(Of course, Mentally, I’m still Fourteen, but that’s Besides the Point).
Just STAHHHP!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away?? Think Again.

::Ahem::
☼AccuWhatTheF☼ck Forecast☼
Oh Boy!
Yay!
Spring Is Coming!
So Is This Giant Blue and Pink Dildo!
Bend Over NorthEast!!
And Watch Out For The Big Red *L*!!!
The Bi-Polish Cryogenic Vortex Is Gonna Stick It To You Again!!
So Remember:
Spring Begins with The Vernal Equinox
On Friday March 20th 2015 at 6:45PM!!
Be Sure to Balance Your Eggs!
You Might Try Sticking Them Into One of the Hundreds of SNOWBANKS That Will (Still) Populate the Eastern Seabroad!!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

::Ahem:: Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away?? Think Again.  ::Please Make A Note Of It::
::Ahem::
Thinking About Putting Your Snow Boots Away??
Think Again.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

 

"By Weir... the Hides of March!"

March Fifteenth Two Thousand Fifteen

::Ahem::
Julius March the Tanner was on the Horns of a Dilemma.
He needed to deliver a load of Freshly Tanned Hides to the Local Leather Goods
Manufacturer.
All seemed well until the truck driver came in and told him that the tires on the truck were bald.
“Alas!” cried Mr March, “Then we cannot make delivery as I have no
money to buy new tires! I’d better call the customer and inform him!”
The customer, being a good friend of Mr. March, agreed to take a double
load of hides thus giving the Tanner the wherewithal to get new tires.
Furthermore, he suggested, the driver could drop the hides off,
collect the payment in cash and go straight to the Tire Fitter from
there.
Mr March, ecstatic at the news, sent the driver on his way with strict
instructions to report immediately to the Tire Fitter once he had
completed his delivery.
Unfortunately, Murphy’s law being what it is, the truck suffered a
blowout on the way to the delivery.
Swerving all over the road on its three remaining bald tires, the truck finally careened off into the
River and lost its load.
Fortunately a Low Dam had been built across the River at that point
and the Hides washed up against it.
The driver, dazed and almost incoherent called the customer on a payphone (there were no Cell Phones at the time) to inform him of the disaster.
A passer-by heard him breathlessly tell the leather goods manufacturer:
“By Weir… the Hides of March!”
Editor’s Note: [A weir/ˈwɪər/ is a barrier across a river designed to alter its flow characteristics. In most cases, weirs take the form of obstructions smaller than most conventional dams, pooling water behind them while also allowing it to flow steadily over their tops. Weirs are commonly used to alter the flow of rivers to prevent flooding, measure discharge, and help render rivers navigable.]
::Please Make A Note Of It::

"By Weir... the Hides of March!"
A weir in Warkworth, New Zealand

☼AccuWhatTheF☼ck☼ Update☼

Isn’t SPRING Only Nineteen Days Away?!?
…MAYBE….
::Ahem::
Sir Isaac Newton founded Classical Mechanics on the View that Space is Distinct from Body and that Time passes Uniformly without Regard to Whether Anything Happens in the World.
For this reason he spoke of Absolute Space and Absolute Time, so as to Distinguish these Entities from the Various Ways By Which We Measure Them
(which he called Relative Spaces and Relative Times).
Albert Einstein concluded in his later years that the Past, Present, and Future all Exist Simultaneously.
In 1952, in his book Relativity, in discussing Minkowski’s Space World Interpretation of his Theory of Relativity, Einstein writes:
“Since there exists in this four dimensional structure [space-time] no longer any sections which represent “now” objectively, the concepts of happening and becoming
are indeed not completely suspended, but yet complicated.
It appears therefore more natural to think of physical reality as a four dimensional existence, instead of, as hitherto, the evolution of a three dimensional existence.”
Most everyone knows that Einstein proved that time is relative, not absolute as Newton claimed.
Which tells me that *Time*, for me, is as Einstein concluded:
There is no True Division between Past and Future, there is rather a Single Existence.
Today Is March First.
We are due for Another Bi-Polish Cryogenic Vortex Nor’Easter Today.
Therefore, Winter Is Forever.
::Please Make A Note Of It::
AccuWhatTheFuck March 1

☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼

☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼

::Ahem::
¤ AccuWhatTheFuck¤ Update!!
The Bi-Polish Vortex Continues On Its Merry Way Through The Tri-State Region.
At the Moment we are Smack Dab in the Middle of a Seasonal Weather System that Meteorologists like to call “The Cryosphere”,
Meaning that it is Colder Than A Witch’s Tit and Prone to Spontaneously Producing Glaciers, Ice shelves, Icebergs, and Douchebags.

☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼
☼Punxsutawney Phil Can Kiss My Ass☼

ANOTHER SEVEN INCHES of SNON on the Ground and I’m Skipping the Gym today because The Roads are a Sheet of Ice.
Face It Folks, Another Ice Age Is Upon Us!
(At least *My Body* evidently thinks so.)
Our Bodies believe that Any Day Now, we’ll have Another Ice Age and there won’t be Any More Food, so they Need to Store up Lots of Fat.
So while our Brains are in the 21st Century, forcing us to eat Salads,
Our Bodies are Back in Prehistoric Times, thinking:
“I made Six Ounces of Fat today! Bring on the Glaciers!”
If only we could explain to our Bodies that Times have Changed & they no longer need to make so much Fat.
Of course, I refuse to get on a Scale unless Forced to Do So at Gunpoint.
Why, you may ask?
Or not.
But I’ll tell you anyway.
I’m Allergic to Scales.
The Type that Guess your Weight.
They make me Break Out in Low Self-Esteem.
The last time I got on a Digital Scale was when they did the Mandatory “Wellness” Thing at Work in September.
Yes: My Biometric Screening!
Which of course meant Blood Tests, Blood Pressure, BMI Analysis, and the Utterly Horrific “Getting On The Scale For the First Time in a Year”.
Okay so I *did* tell the Screening Broad that I have at least Five Pounds of Product in My Hair and to take that into account…
Plus Gravity has gotten Stronger due to the Space Dust Thing…
But she made me get on the Digital Scale anyway.
First, the Scale said “Yo! Two of Y’all Are Gonna Have To Get Off!”
Then, when it finally registered,
It read “Volkswagen”.
Gravity Is Not My Friend.
So Evidently I’m the Perfect Weight for My Height, Bone Structure, BMI, and Age.
*If* I Were a 1964 Volkswagen Mini-Bus.
Really.
Bring On The Ice Age!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Me!
What The Hospital Scale Thinks I Am…

 

 

Bend Over, Here It Comes!

French Toast Alert Giant White Suppository Update!!

¤ AccuWhatTheFuck¤
French Toast Alert Update!!
THIS Time A Giant White Suppository Will Be Traveling Up The Eastern Seabroad as The Bi-Polish Vortex Continues On Its Merry Way
Through The Tri-State Region.
So, BEND OVER, Here It Comes!
Before intensifying into a Major Winter Storm,
This Suppository will spread Disruptive Snow across the Llower Midwest and into the Mid-Atlantic through Sunday Evening.
Tonight:
Proceed at Speed Llimit Before Snow Starts to Nearest Supermarket to pick up Two Gallons of Milk, a Couple Dozen Eggs and Two Lloaves of Bread and Several Pounds of Butter Per Person in Household.
And Don’t Forget the Maple Syrup for Extra Traction!!
Be Sure to Make as Much French Toast as Possible,
Stockpiling Several Dozen Slices to Throw Under Your Tires for Traction for when the Town Plows Finally Come By Just as You’ve Shoveled Out Your Driveway and Plow You In!
Starting Around 6:00AM Monday, Large Chunks Of Snon and Ice Will Continuously Fall From The Sky Throughout Rush Hour and Into The Morning,
Mixed with Sleet, Rain, Frogs, Llocusts, Blood, and John Boehner’s Unwashed BVD’s–
Especially Monday Evening Throughout Monday Night.
The Greatest Amount of Snow, on the Order of 18-48 Inches,
Is Forecast Wherever You Are Going.
Upon Parking Outdoors,
Be Sure To Turn Your Windshield Wiper Blades Towards Heaven
To Avoid The Wrath Of The Higher Power of Your Choice.

::Please Make A Note Of It::

Bend Over, Here It Comes!
This Time It’s A Giant White Suppository!

☼ AccuWhatTheFuck☼ Update!! French Toast Alert!!

::Ahem::
☼ AccuWhatTheFuck☼ Update!!
French Toast Alert!!
The Giant Green and White Penis Will Be Traveling Up The Eastern Seabroad as The Bi-Polish Vortex Continues On Its Merry Way
Through The Tri-State Region.
Starting Around 6:00AM, Large Chunks Of Snon and Ice Will Continuously Fall From The Sky Throughout Rush Hour and Into The Morning,
Mixed with Sleet, Rain, Frogs, Llocusts, Gnats, Blood, and John Boehner’s Unwashed BVD’s–
Especially Saturday Afternoon into Saturday Night.
The Greatest Amount of Snow, on the Order of 6-12 Inches,
Is Forecast Wherever You Are Going.
Upon Parking Outdoors,
Be Sure To Turn Your Windshield Wiper Blades Towards Heaven
To Avoid The Wrath Of The Higher Power of Your Choice.
Proceed at Speed Llimit Before Snow Starts to Nearest Supermarket to pick up Two Gallons of Milk, a Couple Dozen Eggs and Two Lloaves of Bread –
Per Person in Household.
And Butter!!
Don’t forget the Butter!!
Be sure to Make as Much French Toast as Possible,
Stockpiling Several Dozen Slices to Throw under your Tires for Traction for when the Town Plows finally come by Just as You’ve Shoveled Out Your Driveway and Plow You In!
::Please Make A Note Of It::
AccuWhatTheFuck Jan 24