Tag Archives: Puns

"By Weir... the Hides of March!"

March Fifteenth Two Thousand Fifteen

Julius March the Tanner was on the Horns of a Dilemma.
He needed to deliver a load of Freshly Tanned Hides to the Local Leather Goods
All seemed well until the truck driver came in and told him that the tires on the truck were bald.
“Alas!” cried Mr March, “Then we cannot make delivery as I have no
money to buy new tires! I’d better call the customer and inform him!”
The customer, being a good friend of Mr. March, agreed to take a double
load of hides thus giving the Tanner the wherewithal to get new tires.
Furthermore, he suggested, the driver could drop the hides off,
collect the payment in cash and go straight to the Tire Fitter from
Mr March, ecstatic at the news, sent the driver on his way with strict
instructions to report immediately to the Tire Fitter once he had
completed his delivery.
Unfortunately, Murphy’s law being what it is, the truck suffered a
blowout on the way to the delivery.
Swerving all over the road on its three remaining bald tires, the truck finally careened off into the
River and lost its load.
Fortunately a Low Dam had been built across the River at that point
and the Hides washed up against it.
The driver, dazed and almost incoherent called the customer on a payphone (there were no Cell Phones at the time) to inform him of the disaster.
A passer-by heard him breathlessly tell the leather goods manufacturer:
“By Weir… the Hides of March!”
Editor’s Note: [A weir/ˈwɪər/ is a barrier across a river designed to alter its flow characteristics. In most cases, weirs take the form of obstructions smaller than most conventional dams, pooling water behind them while also allowing it to flow steadily over their tops. Weirs are commonly used to alter the flow of rivers to prevent flooding, measure discharge, and help render rivers navigable.]
::Please Make A Note Of It::

"By Weir... the Hides of March!"
A weir in Warkworth, New Zealand

The 12 Days of Shutdown- A Musical Rebuttal

Barely a month after the midterm elections, U.S. Congress is already threatening another government shutdown if Obama takes executive action.

A Music Major in College, my daughter Ariel responded the only way she knew how:
A Critical Response…via Song.
She wrote and recorded this at the request of her Co-Workers.
(She works part-time at a Democratic Fund-Raising Organization near Campus).

In the Event of a Boehner That Persists Longer Than Four Days,
Citizens Should Seek Immediate Professional Help.
If House Republicanism Is Not Treated Immediately,
Brain Tissue Damage and Permanent Loss of Inalienable Rights Will Result.
::Please Make A Note Of It::


☼AccuWeather My Ass☼

The Bi-Polish Vortex Strikes Again!!
Another Giant Green Penis Heading Up The Eastern SeaBroad!!
Batten Down The Bitches!
Fire Up Your Toaster Ovens!
Stock Up On Butter, Eggs, Bread, Pajama Jeans and “RejuVajayjay”!
::Please Make A Note Of It::

At the Moment we are Smack Dab in the Middle of a Sultry Bi-Polish Solar Vortex Seasonal Weather System that Meteorologists call
“The Big Armpit,”
Meaning that it is Endlessly Hot and Humid and Prone to Producing Fungii and Mutant Growths.
Most of which show up in the Emergency Department at around Midnight.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Edgar The ButtUgly Betta

The Ugliest King Betta in the Store Looks Like A Suppository and He Wanted To Come Home With Me.
What Should I Name Him….??
You Can See His Innards Thru His Skin!
He Looks Like “The Baby” From Eraserhead!!!
Detachable Penis?
King Missile?
I Named Him Edgar (As In Edgar Winter)…
And, from certain angles, he really *does* look like a Little Penis!

Assbook Status Rant Summer Rerun: Cilantro

Your Regularly Scheduled Assbook Status Rant will be replaced with this Assbook Status Rant Summer Rerun :
What is it lately with putting Cilantro in Everything?
I HATE Cilantro.
It is nasty.
It makes food taste like soap. 
If I wanted to eat soap, I’d buy a cheap bar of Ivory (after all, it’s 99.9% Pure).
I do, however love Peanut Butter.
Olives (Black, Green and Greek).
Stop ruining Perfectly Good Food with it.
This has been a Public Service Announcement from Your Friends at Insipid Assbook Statii.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Why 10% of the Population Hates Cilantro and the Rest Doesn't Know Any Better
A figure from The scent of life, detailing how smell works.