Tag Archives: Where NOT To EAT

They’re BaaaaaAAaaaaaack!!

*Tonight’s Rant is Brought To You By Riddex and Fresh Cab*
They’re BAAAACK!
And here I, [Silly Me] thought they might be on Summer Vacation but NOOO.
In My Cabinet.
In My Sink.
You thought the Sugar Ants were annoying?
(I’d scream but my throat is too sore from this Goddamn Summer Cold I inherited from my Fellow Employees)
A Mouse Tale.
(Rather, MANY Mice Tails!)
Regarding the Mouse Invasion and Various Deterrents…
It all started about last November:
[I Quote Myself]:
“Indeed I *AM* An Admirer of All Creatures Great and Small.
*However* (comma) MICE Do NOT Belong in My Kitchen!
Or Any OTHER Part of My House For That Matter!!!
So….We set out Mouse Traps.
The Mice said the Peanut Butter was Delicious.
They even left Thank You Notes in Morse Code Poops!
Happy Holidays…..Lla LLa Lla… ::SNAP::
So I’m standing by the Stove pouring some Seltzer when I hear *scurrying* INSIDE our Ancient Chambers Stove.
I stare at the Stove listening when ::DINK!!::
A little Gray Body with beady black eyes POPS out of the burner, STARES at me as I’m staring at *him*, and*JUMPS*, turns around, and scurries back into the stove as I finish pouring my seltzer.
So much for Fresh Cab. They think it smells lovely!
The Llittle Fucker has to be Cute, too. Bastard.
Re: The “Fresh Cab”.
You can hear the Sounds of the Country Mice Dancing around in my Chambers Stove, Squeaking out Holiday Carols and Celebrating the New Festive Fragrance of Fresh Cab as they Devour Morsels Fallen Through the Burners from Previous Meals!
We have old Wooden Cabinets and Ancient Formica Countertops in my kitchen and I noticed that the little Bastards had made their way in for the cold season, what with the tiny droppings and chewed up food containers.
So, I sent the husband to Amazon.com to buy a box of Fresh Cab, a FB Friend told me to give it a try since it was an earth-friendly, humane alternative (being half a hippie, not wanting to kill the little guys).
So $15 later, I placed a Pouch in my cabinet (they say 1 for every 8 square feet of contained space) and the other three provided in the box in various places mice might be munching…
A few days later I opened the cabinet to find that not only was there a whole new crop of turds, but they had eaten through a box of Oatmeal that one pouch of the Fresh Cab was propped against.
Now, how these things are supposed to work outdoors, in a tractor or a garage or RV is beyond me when they will not work in a tiny, enclosed indoor area. It seems that the mice really enjoyed the Holiday scent, and the Fresh Cab put them in the Holiday Spirit, because they ate through some Granola Bars, a CAN of Mandarin Oranges, the Oatmeal…Molasses…(Even a Styrofoam Apple on a Wreath stored in the basement was Evidently Delicious!) u
Just a few more Ingredients and they have the proper makings of a Nice Holiday Fruitcake!!
So much for Kindness.
Next: Nicely Wrapped D-Con Baits. Delicious.
Better Mouse Traps…Glue Traps….
For Now, we’re having a Winter Solstice Heat Wave, so the Invaders may have moved back outside, or at least to the Basement to munch on stored Garden Equipment.”

This was my Mouse Rant from Last November.
Now it is August, and I’m finding NEW sets of PoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopyPoopy despite not hearing them or finding them in the Mouse Traps.
I have Riddex Plus thingies in every available outlet.
They *might* help (a little) with the Sugar Ants but the Mousies don’t give a crap.
CAN”T get a cat due to Four Dogs, Two Ferrets, Two Fish and a Senegal Parrot.
Just Shoot Me.
::Please Make A Note Of It::


Assbook Status Rant Summer Rerun: Cilantro

Your Regularly Scheduled Assbook Status Rant will be replaced with this Assbook Status Rant Summer Rerun :
What is it lately with putting Cilantro in Everything?
I HATE Cilantro.
It is nasty.
It makes food taste like soap. 
If I wanted to eat soap, I’d buy a cheap bar of Ivory (after all, it’s 99.9% Pure).
I do, however love Peanut Butter.
Olives (Black, Green and Greek).
Stop ruining Perfectly Good Food with it.
This has been a Public Service Announcement from Your Friends at Insipid Assbook Statii.
::Please Make A Note Of It::

Why 10% of the Population Hates Cilantro and the Rest Doesn't Know Any Better
A figure from The scent of life, detailing how smell works.


Habibi, My Three AM Headache…

Habibi The Diabetic Cannibal

My Senegal Parrot, Habibi, LOVES Roast Duck.
And Chicken Fat (cooked, of course!)
And Cake Frosting.
And Vanilla Ice Cream.
During the day, when he’s playful, he’ll call out various names, including his own when he wants a treat, or a scritch, or just to bite you.
For example:
Habibi! Habibi?
Mommy? Mommy?
Weeeezer! Kukkiiiii….COME HERE!
Kukiiiii….COME HERE!
Mommy? Mommy? Ziggy!! WEEEZER!!!
He also loves to SCREECH like a Chicken Hawk at Three AM for No Apparent Reason.
Habibi is a Diabetic Cannibal.
He’s also an Asshole.
::Please Make A Note Of It::


Where NOT To Eat…


The Six Buttholes Diner.
Lousy Overcooked Burgers, Cold Curly Fries, and Lousy Service.

Who Can Ask for Anything More?

I love to watch the Montclair High SVPA Kids perform.
As an Obsessive Alumni Mom, (my Daughter is now in College) I would try to make every performance my kid was in.
We still attend the Showcases and Musicals! Love these Kids!
The only downfall of this obsession, however, is the fact that there is no time for a proper dinner before performances, and, as a rule, the kids go to the diner for a late supper and camaraderie afterwards. The problem is the Closest Open Diner: The Six Brothers Diner on Route 46.
It would more aptly be named “The Six Assholes Diner” or “The Three Stooges Diner”.
For a place of it’s size & location, you’d think they’d hire Kitchen Staff with a Mental Capacity higher than that of a Radish.
Gotta love it, though…No matter how you order your burger, it will be Well Done.
My husband, a Chef with over Thirty Years experience himself, orders his burger RARE. RUNNING AROUND MOOING RARE.
It arrives…
Well Done Every Time.
OK then.
One time I figured I’d keep it simple.
So I ordered a Grilled Swiss with Bacon & Tomato on Whole Wheat.
What did I get?
Twenty minutes later I was presented with a Grilled American.
Not Swiss.
No Bacon.
No Tomato.
When the Burly Waitress finally returned, I pointed out the error & she took my plate back to the kitchen & returned with a Swiss Cheese & Bacon Sandwich.
The Swiss was NOT even melted.
No Tomato.
How to you screw up a Grilled Cheese Sandwich? It was downhill from there.
It you do have the misfortune of visiting this alleged Dining Establishment, be careful not to order any Exotic Condiments such as Sour Cream with your Reheated Cold Sweet Potato Fries.
Actually, I’d originally asked for a Monkey Dish of Greek Yogurt.
After all, this *is* a Greek Diner, is it not?
So of course the Beastly Waitress looked at me as if I had two heads & informed me that they didn’t have any Greek Yogurt.
So I asked for a small dish of Sour Cream instead for my Over-Re-Cooked Sweet Potato Fries.
Several minutes later I was informed they had to go downstairs to procure this Precious Sour Cream, and what seemed like a Lifetime after that,
the Beast returned with a small cup of what appeared to be Reconstituted Spackle.
[Hey! Great! I can fix this hole in the wall over here….]
Ah yes. The Six Assholes Diner.
Lousy Food, Awful Service, and Inflated Prices; Surly, Misshapen, Cretinous Waitstaff…What more could you ask for?
Too “Gourmet” for me…and so it’s off to the bathroom for me as I’m still feeling the effects of last night’s Six Douchebags Diner Fiasco…

::Please Make A Note Of It::

Put A Bird On It!
Put A Bird On It!

Belligerent Smoking Clowns

Flashback Friday Story Time!
Story Time.
For Those Of You Who’ve Heard This Before:
I’ve never liked Clowns. Mimes included.
They are Not Funny.
They are Creepy and Obnoxious.
They Frighten Babies.
Flashback to 1994….
When Ariel was 10 days old, and I finally felt like leaving the house (she was the result of major surgery … damned kid decided not to be born after 32 hours of labor…. and the epidural didn’t work…) we decided to go to a local diner (Willie’s) for dinner. This was back when they still had *smoking* sections.
Took Ariel with us; she was sleeping quietly in her little car seat thingie which I lugged in with me, requested nonsmoking (I’m very allergic & besides had an infant with me), and were escorted to the nonsmoking section– a large room in the back of the diner.
We sat along the wall at a table with a bench behind it as it was a good place to plop the baby down…
No sooner than we’d placed our orders, a group of people started filing in —
A large group of people… men and women, some in regular garb, others in costume & full makeup… they were Clowns!!
About 30 of them!!
And they were loud!!
And …. they were SMOKING.
And a few of the Smoking Clowns plopped themselves down next to us & proceeded to get in Ariel’s face.
Of course she woke up & started fussing (remember she was 10 days old).
I mentioned that they were in a nonsmoking section and they started to get belligerent….
I was getting mad.
And my husband was being his usual nonchalant self… not helping matters any…
(so it turns out this was a Clown Convention that was in town & Weren’t We Lucky…)
And 10-day -old Ariel was fussing & then our food came & some Obnoxious Loud Belligerent Clown Broad comes over & sticks her smoking face right in Ariel’s face & Ariel SCREAMED bloody murder…
I told the Hideous Clown Broad that she was not only scaring my baby but was indeed endangering her health, and she got even more nasty and belligerent saying “well it’s my right to smoke if i want” and I said “not in my child’s face it isn’t so get the hell out of our faces unless you’re actually *on* fire in which case you’ll find yourself doused in about TWO seconds” and I picked up my glass of water & she backed off …..
And the Idiot Greek Manager said he couldn’t do anything because there wasn’t room for them in the smoking section.
But he didn’t charge for my dinner.
That was Ariel’s first experience with Clowns.
And it was about two years before I went back to that particular Diner.
They’ve remodeled long since but I still think of that incident when I go there.
Which is, pretty much *never*.
::Please Make A Note Of It::